Seems pretty futile to me

last post 4 years ago, little has changed.  I really can't find a reason to keep trying - not as in end it all, but just let be what will be.  No doubt I'm on the course for losing my feet eventually because of the diabetes but what the heck it will be something different.  My hands are giving me trouble with pain, oh well, maybe I can get painkillers, that will help.  a couple days  have no urge for porn then I have no urge for anything else.  my dreams last night were so intensely sexual I woke from one practically hyperventilating.  Sort of funny but not..   If I could find a place to feel comfortable in the gay communities I probably would just go back there - but there really is no place for a fat 60 year old with too much religion in him to be happy and fit in.  Flipside - there's too much garbage in me to feel I fit in a church (at least the kind I would like to), I can't relate to the family focus, I can't relate to the "man" things that the men's groups all seem to do.  I would be scared to open up to anyone, I get insane attractions to some guys that just get in the way.  Supposed to head back to Elim next week.  How can I do that?  If asked how I am doing, what's the answer.  Oh, I'm a complete failure at everything thanks, how are you?  topic jump - I read a book by Brother Paul and Sis Gloria and he talked about feeling the overwhelming love of God that is what set him on his calling.  Reading one now by my former pastor Mike T from the Vineyard.  He talks about know how knowing deeply he is loved by God is what has kept him through it all.  I think I once sorta kinda knew that love, clearly I did something wrong and lost it, not the love of God, He doesn't work that way.  But I can't get to it - I don't feel anything but pain, anxiety and loss.  Oh and anger, yah don't leave that out.  I take 3 different depression meds, - max dose of 2 of them and the third I can't go higher because of side effects.  Doc tells me we've run out of options, tried every single currently available depression med.  Still I see more dark than light most of the time.  Next step would be ECT but physically I doubt I could pass inspection.  Late next year, maybe, they are coming out with a new drug based on ketamine.  supposed to be great, a whole different chemical approach.  Cool, late next year, maybe I won't be here.  well enough whining, it's mostly BS.  I mean it's true how I feel right now.  But tomorrow I may be walking on sunshine as the song goes.  the joy of life on the rollercoaster