Seems pretty futile to me

last post 4 years ago, little has changed.  I really can't find a reason to keep trying - not as in end it all, but just let be what will be.  No doubt I'm on the course for losing my feet eventually because of the diabetes but what the heck it will be something different.  My hands are giving me trouble with pain, oh well, maybe I can get painkillers, that will help.  a couple days  have no urge for porn then I have no urge for anything else.  my dreams last night were so intensely sexual I woke from one practically hyperventilating.  Sort of funny but not..   If I could find a place to feel comfortable in the gay communities I probably would just go back there - but there really is no place for a fat 60 year old with too much religion in him to be happy and fit in.  Flipside - there's too much garbage in me to feel I fit in a church (at least the kind I would like to), I can't relate to the family focus, I can't relate to the "man" things that the men's groups all seem to do.  I would be scared to open up to anyone, I get insane attractions to some guys that just get in the way.  Supposed to head back to Elim next week.  How can I do that?  If asked how I am doing, what's the answer.  Oh, I'm a complete failure at everything thanks, how are you?  topic jump - I read a book by Brother Paul and Sis Gloria and he talked about feeling the overwhelming love of God that is what set him on his calling.  Reading one now by my former pastor Mike T from the Vineyard.  He talks about know how knowing deeply he is loved by God is what has kept him through it all.  I think I once sorta kinda knew that love, clearly I did something wrong and lost it, not the love of God, He doesn't work that way.  But I can't get to it - I don't feel anything but pain, anxiety and loss.  Oh and anger, yah don't leave that out.  I take 3 different depression meds, - max dose of 2 of them and the third I can't go higher because of side effects.  Doc tells me we've run out of options, tried every single currently available depression med.  Still I see more dark than light most of the time.  Next step would be ECT but physically I doubt I could pass inspection.  Late next year, maybe, they are coming out with a new drug based on ketamine.  supposed to be great, a whole different chemical approach.  Cool, late next year, maybe I won't be here.  well enough whining, it's mostly BS.  I mean it's true how I feel right now.  But tomorrow I may be walking on sunshine as the song goes.  the joy of life on the rollercoaster

so what happens next

I am being totally torn apart by the battle that rages within me.  Something's gotta give and I honestly don't know which side will win or which side I want to win.  No, that's not true I know what side I want to win, usually anyway.  I sat in church last week and at times felt cold and dead, other times connected and engaged but mostly I devastated with nowhere to turn.  I felt totally fatherless, totally alone which led to bitterness and anger.  I refused to leave the final service until I worked through the bitterness.  Wise move.  But during those times the anger was scary. It seemed like others were experiencing something that I was left out of.   I felt that God has turned away from me, when I know in reality it is me that took the steps away.  All kinds of bizarre emotions flowed through me, at one point I thought that because of all that I have done God can't forgive and that I should be punished.  For a brief moment I thought of hurting myself - cutting came to mind.  That totally freaked me out.   Every day I hurt myself in other ways, bad eating, no exercise, total disregard for my health so no need to add some other stupid act.  But the overwhelming realization is that I will die without Jesus Christ in my life.  My desires/appetites are so base, so destructive so dangerous that if I give in it will be the end, maybe not fact but it will come.  The problem I have no clue what to do with that...

Wow, it's still here.  I figured it would have been deleted by now.  Maybe I should write something.  Nah, tomorrow maybe :)

time out

Decided not to have my life poured out on the 'net right now. I'm sure I'll be back.