so what happens next

I am being totally torn apart by the battle that rages within me.  Something's gotta give and I honestly don't know which side will win or which side I want to win.  No, that's not true I know what side I want to win, usually anyway.  I sat in church last week and at times felt cold and dead, other times connected and engaged but mostly I devastated with nowhere to turn.  I felt totally fatherless, totally alone which led to bitterness and anger.  I refused to leave the final service until I worked through the bitterness.  Wise move.  But during those times the anger was scary. It seemed like others were experiencing something that I was left out of.   I felt that God has turned away from me, when I know in reality it is me that took the steps away.  All kinds of bizarre emotions flowed through me, at one point I thought that because of all that I have done God can't forgive and that I should be punished.  For a brief moment I thought of hurting myself - cutting came to mind.  That totally freaked me out.   Every day I hurt myself in other ways, bad eating, no exercise, total disregard for my health so no need to add some other stupid act.  But the overwhelming realization is that I will die without Jesus Christ in my life.  My desires/appetites are so base, so destructive so dangerous that if I give in it will be the end, maybe not fact but it will come.  The problem I have no clue what to do with that...